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27th May 2018
So, anywhere else i post, people in my everyday life still see and i really don't want their pity or platitudes. I just want to whine and this is the safest and pretty much only place i have so if you read this i apologize for the self pity. :
All that to say that I'm a crap person who doesn't deserve the life she has and i am far too stupid to be the go to person responsible for the health of my husband and son.
28th May 2015
This school year has been no fun. We are ready for it to be over, this second semester has been nothing but health and grade struggles, followed by health, grade and attendance trouble and we are done. Today, I got a call from my son telling me that someone had poured his drink all over his lunch and that it was now inedible. That scenario stinks no matter what, but when you add to it, that Kelly doses himself with insulin before eating based on how many carbs are in his lunch, it adds a new twist to the situation. So, when that happened not only did Kelly have nothing for lunch, but he also had insulin on board and no food for it to deal with...this means that his blood sugar will plummet and it did. Luckily, I was able to get him food and all was well, but it didn't have to be that way and it was just another nail in the coffin of this school year. Get us out of here, we are DONE! I was even saying that I was so done with this school year that it was helping me to not be overly emotional about the fact that next year Kelly will be a Freshman...ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well, that was true until about an hour ago, when we started talking about all the activities the 8th graders will have next week, a breakfast, a year book signing party, a dance and a walk from the middle school over to their new school...the highschool! Cue the emotions and water works...pfftt, I'm nothing if not super emotional about my wee teeny tiny sweet little baby who is in actuality my big tall (5'9) 14 yr old...baby. Oh my God, how did we get here, just yesterday it was his first day at preschool...I can't believe how unfairly fast it has gone. My friend so helpfully told me that it goes even faster in high school...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH :
H!!! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I only have the one, I want time to slow down so we can appreciate each stage...none of this racing time...it's breaking my heart. I'm so so so proud of the young man he is becoming, but what I wouldn't give for just one more day with my cute lil chubster baby version of him. I cry foul...no fair, someone has the Fast Forward button pressed down and I demand a rewind!
God help me, I'm going to cry again.
24th May 2015
Well, it's been awhile
Hi there...it's been awhile for sure. We are at the end of the school year and trying to work fast to get some last minute make up work in to make sure Kelly gets to graduate from 8th grade. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem but the last 4 months have been crazy. In February, Kelly was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, it rocked our worlds a bit, but at least we had an answer for the what was going on with him. He'd been sick since after Christmas with one thing or another and his mood, behavior and grades were not good. He was failing EVERYTHING, well except for Social Studies, his ADD med doctor thought his med had just stopped working and set us up to test him again to see if that was the case. Well, turns out we were in the hospital in the pediatric ICU on the day of the testing. One night, I looked at him and noticed he looked thinner, so had him weigh himself and sure enough he was down 7lbs, a few weeks later, when he was doing worse mood and grade wise, I thought he looked thinner again and sure enough he was down another 7lbs, at this point we had an appt for the following Monday (it was Thursday night). The next day he woke and he looked worse, but in the morning it was hard to tell if he really did look thinner or if it was my imagination, so I had him get on the scale and sure enough he'd lost another 7lbs! I took him to school, at first thinking he was going to go (he'd missed so much already)and I wanted to weigh him on the school scale but he went downhill while we were waiting in the car to go into school, could hardly hold is head up, was one word replying to my questions and when I walked into school with him, he was staggering slightly!!! The nurse confirmed the weight loss was indeed another 7lbs over night and agreed with me that he needed to be seen that day. So off we went to his pediatrician and the first thing they checked at the doctors office was his blood sugar, it was 287(normal 70-150) and that's when they hit us with news we never ever expected to hear...Kelly has diabetes(No one in either of our families has it)! Poor Kelly, he was so upset and it didn't help that he was so so ill at this point that it made him even more emotional. :( So they sent us off to pick up my husband and go directly to Texas Children's where by the time we made it there, his blood sugar had gone from 287 to 800...super super horribly high! Thank God I never let him nap, thank God, I didn't just let him keep sleeping that morning instead of waking him up for school, it could have been a very different outcome for Kelly. His A1C which basically is your bloods memory was 11.6 which means that Kelly's blood sugar was on average 289 to 330 every day for about 3 months prior to diagnosis...all the mood, failing grades and behavior made sense now...it wasn't his ADD med and it wasn't being an angsty teenager, it was uncontrolled diabetes. So, it's a lot to deal with, he is insulin dependent for the rest of his life. At the moment, he checks his blood sugar 5 times a day at minimum and gives himself 5 insulin shots a day. Poor guy, but he is a trooper and is doing great! That said, from January to about a month or two past diagnosis he missed a lot of school or missed classes being in the nurses office dealing with low blood sugars, so lots of missed work and now we are trying maniacally to get it turned in so he can graduate. Fun times! That's the news, the past few months since his diagnosis have been a crazy roller coaster ride, but we are managing and we know how blessed we are that Kelly is still with us on the ride.
4th June 2014
2 more to go!
2 more days until Kelly is done with 7th grade and summer vacation is ON! Cannot wait for him to be able wake up as late as he wants (me too!), play on his comp/ipad/ds undisturbed by thoughts of homework, and go on adventures to the local water park, movies, bowling and hopefully, trips home to CA or visiting friends in WA and HI. Kelly is also getting to go to summer camp with his Boy Scout troop to Disneyworld, so he's pretty stoked about that, as is his dad who is going as well. C'mon school days pass a little faster so we can get this summer vacation dealie on the road!
7th December 2013
Family is hard
My mom died when I was 17, my dad remarried a year and month later and his new wife came with two kids. I didn't live with my dad once he remarried and I was pretty bitter and hurt and my sister and I were basically not included in some family stuff. So what that basically means is that my family, dad, brothers and step mother and her two kids apparently got together a lot without my sister and I and now all these years later I have a hard time being with them when they are all together. I feel like an outsider in my own family. I love each of them but I can't handle them all together...still, 26 yrs later. So hooray that this year my step-sister, no one could dislike her, she's awesome and I love her, but she decided (I guess with my step mother) that she'd have Christmas at her place which is an 8 hour drive from our usual location which is the area that my dad and brother live in and also the area I grew up in. I live in TX which is 3.5 hours away by plane. This means if I go I will need to stay at her house, if it were where we usually have it, I have several people outside my family that I could stay with. So I'll need to stay with my step sister and her family (son and husband) and everyone else will be there too. It's been a long time since I've seen everyone and my dad just got finished with radiation treatment for the prostate cancer he has, so I feel like I really really need to see him. If not for that, I wouldn't feel this pressure to go, well, my son is dying to see his grandparents and everyone else, so there's that too. To make it more angst filled, my husband isn't sure he can get the time off to go and he isn't overly fond of my brother in law whose house we'll be staying at, so I'm not convinced he's trying super hard to get the time off. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. He even tried to tell me that my son and I could go without him?! What kind of Christmas is that? I could always go see my dad after Christmas, but my oldest brother who I never see is going to be there and so is my step brother and his wife and 2 yr old and he is just coming back to the family after a long estrangement, so I'd like to be there for that too. Ugh, I hate all this should I shouldn't I crap and when I talk to my step sister I get the vibe that she doesn't really care if I go or don't, so....
I used to really love Christmas...I don't so much anymore.
13th August 2013
Post op update
So I had my surgery, tomorrow will be a week. All went fairly well, they found a spot on one ovary so that got sent off to pathology and they'll have those results by my first post op appt. the dr was pretty sure it was benign... Yay!
I was in the hospital for 2 days, they almost kept me one more night because they were having trouble managing my pain, but finally got it under control so I was back home in bed by Thursday night at 10pm.
Home has been pretty good, not much appetite but that is to be expected, my pain was at a point that I was easing back to an as needed thing with the meds but I overdid it yesterday and as a result spent all of today in bed and back full force on the meds. Blah. Guess I learned a lesson there
I haven't really been experiencing any menopausal symptoms as of yet. I mean I'm a little emo but I just had major surgery so I think that's to be expected and I'm hot but not having hot flashes. As I'm laying here after typing that last sentence all I can think is daaaaaamn!!!! I'm hot lol.
My friends have all been so sweet between sending me flowers and just calling or sending messages to check on me. My family not so much which is a bit surprising and in my emo state has hurt my widdle feelings a bit, but this too shall pass, I guess.
So that's my update...I'm alive! Alive and sore and lazy and booooored, hehe. :)
26th July 2013
Well, it's been a fun ride, but it's time for you to go. On August 7th I will be bidding a fond farewell to my ovaries, tubes and uterus and big ol' chunk of fear that's been with me since my mom passed away in 1986. I'm getting my ovaries before they can get me. We bullied them into working one time and what a job they did, I'm so grateful for Kelly and that I got to carry him myself. So while my reproductive parts have mostly been a pain, I have to give them kudos for the job they did bringing Kelly to fruition.;) Thinking of the surgery is scary and it makes me emotional over permanently closing down shop, but I know this is the best thing for me. So, surgery soon...should anyone read this, spare a prayer and/or a good thought that all goes well...please and thank you!
11th July 2013
So to start things off on a positive note...(wow! shocker, huh?!), Kelly and his Dad have gone to and returned from summer camp and if these things can be judged by levels of exhaustion and stinkiness, then I'd say they had an awesome time. I asked just to confirm and they agreed, awesome time. Yay! While they were gone my friend, a girl who lived on my block and I've known since we were 9, and I went on a trip of our own. We decided to go check out the Grand Canyon. She'd never been and I'd only been once when I was 9, coincidentally I met her and then my family took off on a road trip to Arkansas! Anywho, we stopped at the G.C and I was underwhelmed by it at that wise old age. I remember I commented, "Ooo, a big hole in the ground, can we go now?" What a sweetheart, huh? Keep in mind, we were traveling in a van with my parents, 2 older brothers, Uncle and my older sister who lived to torment me. Turns out my parents love for it was compounded by the fact that they'd spent their honeymoon there, I had no idea at the time. Anyway, I was excited at the prospect of giving it another chance and was fairly sure I'd come away with a different impression this time around. So, my friend and I talked and decided on where to go on Monday night and I took off Tuesday night to CA (I am blessed to have an airline employed hubby), spent the night and headed out on the drive to AZ on Wednesday and after an 8 hour drive we were in AZ at the Grand Canyon Railway Hotel! So, we took a train to the canyon and spent the night there and explored and wow, pictures don't do the place justice. My opinion was much different than it was when I was 9. :) It was absolutely awe inspiring, beautiful and full of wild life. The highlight of the trip was our very close, super awesome encounter with the Condors that live there. The first night we were there, we got to see 7 of them soaring over and down into the canyon and that was incredibly cool to see. While they are not super attractive birds due to their bald peachy orange heads, they are incredibly beautiful to see fly. They have a 9 1/2 foot wing span and to see them just soar was incredible. The next day we did some more exploring and were treated to more Condors soaring over the canyon, but this time they got up close and personal. 2 of them soared directly over our heads, like...15ft above our heads and then took turns landing on a rock about 15-20 feet from us. Wow! When they flew over us we could hear the wind rushing beneath their wings and it was truly an amazing experience. When they perched on the rock so close, it was incredible because they were checking us out as much as we were them. At one point the bigger of the two that visited, spread his wings out to full length and turned himself side to side as if to say, "Hey you...look how BIG I am...don't even think about messing with me." I got an incredible picture, well, several of them, but this one in particular is amazing because I caught him taking off from the rock, wings up, talons barely touching the rock and body outstretched in flight...amazing and on my iphone of all things. On Friday, we headed off to Vegas where we won, lost, broke even, missed a flight(me), then went back to win, lose and not break even before heading to Los Angeles and dropping me at LAX. So, even if I hadn't thought the canyon itself was incredible and truly very deserving of being called one of the 7 wonders of the world, the Condor experience would have made the trip worth taking and Vegas was fun and brought a lot of laughter. I had a little trouble getting home because the of very tragic Asiana crash in San Francisco, but all things considered it was an amazing trip. Great scenery, amazing interactions with some truly awesome, endangered birds and lots of laughter with an old friend. :
So, that was then, this is now. I just have to wonder about talent and why some people have soooo much of it and I have seem to have absolutely none. Seriously, I can point out a talent in pretty much every person I know, a talent that they could do something with if they so chose to go that way and many who have, well...many of them and I just don't get how it is that I really have not a one! I mean it is what it is and I'm cool with it for the most part, but when my friend who writes and draws and sews and bakes and now, apparently decorates cakes posts on fb that she just made her first cake for a paying customer, well... I'm thrilled for her, but part of me thinks...hey I want to have a talent for something too! You know what I've been told my "talent" is? Talking...yep, talking! That is so not any sort of talent especially when most of what I talk about is ..well, nothing and you know, talking annoys many people and I cannot do anything with that, even if were to be some sort of talent! *grumble grumble* Haha, anyway, that's my little ridiculous vent and I'm well aware that it is, in fact, ridiculous. :P
28th June 2013
Interpersonal interactions are hard
So, my son left for summer camp today and his Dad is a leader so he's going too. There are 70 boys going and it will take them two days of travel to get to Colorado from TX. They had to list there top 5 people that they'd want to ride and share a tent with and Kelly got 3 of his 5. Earlier today he facetimed me and all was awesome. Flash forward to about an hour ago when I got a text from his saying, "I wish I'd never come on this trip" *SIGH* I asked what was wrong and he said it was because of the two idiots sitting next to him. The two "idiots" are two of the 5 kids he requested to ride with. I'm sure all will be okay and he'll be back to bff's in no time, but it's so hard to get that kind of message from him and I get one every camping trip. He has a hard time with button pusher's, he's extremely easy to agitate and so therefore...I get the texts and he spends a lot of time feeling picked on. He's going to a counselor who's trying to give him some tools to deal with those situations, but he's only been twice so far. I know it will be fine again shortly, but it causes me anxiety to hear from him when he's upset, because there really isn't anything I can do except listen and remind him of the stuff he and the counselor talked about. I guess I'm venting here because now I have this low level of anxiety thrumming through me and the person who could make it go away is in a van on his way to CO. :
This has been a vent...what's new,huh?
27th June 2013
Here comes my old friend again...
...hopefully for the last time. I saw my doctor last week and she agreed to do a hysterectomy with an oophorectomy...everybody out of the pool! I'm so glad to be saying goodbye to the messed up cycles and anemia from insane bleeding and most of all to the ovaries that we only ever bullied into working one time and,prior to and an after we got our miracle, just served as a home for cysts to hang out in. Mostly glad to be able to get them out and take a big chunk of worry off my mind...I watched my mom suffer and ultimately die from ovaries gone wild and it terrifies me to think of having to face the same thing. I promise you I would not be as strong and brave as she was. :
So, I sit here tonight with all the signs of my "friend"...(hahaha, ya sure)being on the way and I absolutely cannot wait to not feel this way again. When I told Brad the doctor said "let's do it", he asked me if I was sure and how I felt about it and I broke down crying, because you cannot ignore the fact that doing this is the final nail in "out of business" sign on adding to our family, but if it hasn't happened in the last 12 yrs, with and without help, it's not going to happen, right? Right! Kelly is 12 and while he has always wanted a sibling, it would probably not be as thrilling now as it would have been 5-10 years ago. So, while it's a little bit hard to say it's over, it's been over for a long time. We got our baby, our miracle and I'm extremely thankful for that.
This has been a rambling mess of feels.
10th May 2013
Is car buying FUN?!?!?...Not!
So my husband had a car accident this past Monday and thankfully everyone walked away with nothing more than some sore muscles. The car, on the other hand, didn't fare so well...the insurance company is calling it a bust. So, now we are down to one car and that just doesn't work for us, so a'car shopping we go. My husband said, "It's up to you, get what you want, but this is the max limit for price." Well, unfortunately that limit doesn't really leave room for much of anything I like. I'm not talking me wanting some super pricey luxury car...we're talking for a grand more we can have a car that is somewhat newer AND my 6'6 husband can fit it, so he doesn't have to ride on top when the 3 of us go somewhere. He will NOT budge, but keeps telling me to get what I want. Ugh, so frustrated. I give up, I think I'm going to just stop looking and make him buy what he wants...that's what he wants it seems. :
Blah, this was a vent, thanks for playing along. :)
1st May 2013
VENT *warning* (not that anybody reads this) but subject of suicide and infertility mentioned.
Okay, so my son has been experiencing some depression this past month, mostly based on his ADD med dose needing to be changed (the chaos aka school work, his life becomes when it's not working is hard on him) and he said something about wanting to hurt himself. A teacher overheard him and spoke to him, to me and to the school counselor for which I'm extremely grateful. I truly believe these were words just said due to a lack of ability to truly express how frustrated and down he was feeling and had no real desire to follow through, but I'm still having him go to a counselor because there have been far too many kids, we're talking 12 yrs. old, who are actually going through with suicide these days. In the meantime, we keep talking and I will say he no longer seems at all depressed, but I didn't think he was depressed before, so goes to show you. Anyway, he's given different reasons for it since the day it happened. He told his teacher that things were bad at home (they were in that we were on him to get these two major grade projects done that he'd let slip by) and he told me he was being picked on at school (he was and we addressed that and got some stuff taken care of with the school counselor) and yesterday he told me that when he said it he was just feeling really down and lonely and was thinking about the fact that he was supposed to have a brother and that added to his feeling of loneliness. Color me floored. Okay, the story is that my husband and I dealt with infertility issues and had to go through 3 1/2 years of treatment before we were finally successful. I was pregnant with twins and we lost one of the twins. It was heartbreaking, but we got Kelly in the end and he is truly our little miraculous gift from God. Kelly knows this story because I told him in response to his increasingly frequent pleas for a sibling when he was younger. I didn't dwell on it, but he brought it up from time to time and I would talk to him about it a little, but then tell him "lets not dwell on it" because frankly it makes me sad to go back to the "what if" stage again. This morning I relayed what Kelly had told me to my husband and my husband said I wondered when that would come up. I was like...what? and he said well you talked to him about it a lot. I did not talk to him about it a lot, I told him once and he brought it up several times over the years, but like I said, I wouldn't allow either of us to go on and on about it. I'm kind of ticked off...I feel like out of no where my husband is blaming me for my sons current issue and while I'm sure I'm to blame (I'm his parent, aren't we all to blame...they don't come with instruction booklets) but I can't believe he's laying this at my feet. The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get! I told my son the story to explain why having a sibling was not an easy request to fill and I certainly never talked on and on about it with him. Ugh, so ticked right now that I just want to go kick my husband! I'd really like to thank him for making me feel like more of a failure as a parent, as if my son saying he wanted to kill himself didn't cement that in my mind already. :( :
This vent is now over but not ready to be shelved just yet.
22nd March 2013
Picky eaters are the bane of my existance! :(
How did I end up with someone who only likes about 5 foods?!?!?! I should of known when he said he didn't like onion that we were in for a rough road because my mom started almost ever meal by sautéing onions, but I figured, ok...onion powder will do. Little did I know that onions were just the beginning of a long, very long, list of foods he either didn't like or wouldn't even try to see if he liked them. Grrrrrr, very frustrating. It was a challenge and frustrating, because I was the cook in our duo and needed to try to make something we'd both like and while I like a wide variety of things, sometimes I just wanted what I wanted which meant he definitely DID NOT want it. It made cooking boring and frustrating, but all in all it was okay. Enter the baby, who until about 3 yrs old ate whatever you put in front of him as soon as he started baby food and then at 3...just stopped. He went from a huge variety of foods to, like his father, about 5 of them. I know what you're thinking, that his dad was probably pretty verbal about not liking certain things in front of our son, but he wasn't at all, because I'd pretty threatened his life to keep his food opinions to himself so that nothing got in the way of him actually trying and liking a variety of foods. Well, it was a good idea anyway. So yeah, now I'm stuck cooking for two VERY limited eaters and it's more than just frustrating now. My son is like his Dad now, won't even try anything and things that I buy or make that I just know he'll love, he'll taste and swear up and down he thinks it's great, but only eat two bites and never want again. This post is being written today because I got a juicer and he was all hyped up to have fresh squeezed orange juice...you guessed it, rejected. :(
23rd February 2013
Lonely again...what a sadsack, huh?
Brad and Kelly are off backpacking with the Boy Scouts and I'm here with our dog and cat. While they provide company, they mainly antagonize each other which just antagonizes me, wheee! So anyway, I'm lonely, woe is me. Really, it's more the realization, once again, that I don't really have any friends here. I'm friends with people I work with, but they aren't the kind of friendships that involve activities outside of work and I have 2 people I consider close, but one is incredibly busy with her family life and the other is not only busy with family, she lives 2 hours away. I really miss my buddies in CA, there is something about friendships that started in childhood and have endured so long ...I know if I were there, we'd all be busy with kids, family and work, but I have no doubt none of us would hestitate to just pop in on each other and hang out whenever because our level of friendship is family. I don't have that here with anyone and I doubt I ever will and it's just depressing. :
So, just had to vent it where very few, if any, would see my whiny post.
19th February 2013
I hate nights like this one. I'm feeling friendless. I have friends here but not like my friends back home. Brad is sleeping , Kel's in bed and there's no one to talk to...alone. :(
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18th June 2012
OMgosh...this just melted my heart when I saw it.
Winnie the Pooh was and still remains my favorite childhood story. One of my nicknames that my dad still sometimes calls me is PoohBear because of my obsession with all things Winnie the Pooh. This picture is so adorable and wow, can you imagine somewhere in the hundred acre wood a reunion celebration is happening at Christopher Robins return. :D :
16th May 2012
Despite my super advanced procratinating skills, I did get stuff taken care of and the cleaning people came and my house looks great! Yay! I feel a huge sense of relief. This weekend my dad and step-mom come and Kelly has a swim meet and cub scout crossover and then it's (hopefully) smooth sailing right into summer. I have 7 days of work left and tonight was officially our last cub scout meeting...talk about bittersweet, then my bday and right into summer break. I'm sooooooooooooooooooo giddy about it all. Yay!
Why am I such a lazy bum/
Tomorrow I have a maid service coming to clean before my Dad and Step-mom get her on Friday. Sadly, I need to do some decluttering before they can clean and yet here I sit on my couch procrastinating. It's 2 past midnight and I work tomorrow...why am I such a fool. I have the strongest urge to put on my headphones and start up Supernatural on netflix. If I do that it's all over...ugh, why can't I just do what I need to do?????
6th December 2011
It's Christmas time in the city...
My mood keeps flucuating between in the holiday spirit and miles away from it. I suspect part of it is because I won't be seeing my family this year as Brad and his brother decide to do Disney World for Christmas and just, the holidays are so stressful. Every year I say I'm going to be more prepared and better about getting it all done ahead of time, talk about a pipe dream, haha. Oh well, for the sake of my son, I will pull myself together and get with the jolly holidaying. ;) :
I was going to post an updated pic of my puppy dog, who is now 7 months old, but blah...maybe tomorrow. I'm am the definition of lazy tonight.
Hope everyone out there is enjoying the season.
20th October 2011
My poor baby. :(
Hearing that Kelly has spent the last 3 days at school out of sorts with red-rimmed and teary eyes multiple times during the day and isolating himself from his friends breaks my heart. Whywhywhy does he have to deal with this crap. I realize there are WAAAAAAAY worse things than having to takes meds that can stop working and cause depression, but in my little piece of the world, at this moment in time, there is nothing worse than a sad sad 10 yr old. I just want to wrap him up in a blankie and snuggle him back to happiness.
22nd September 2011
Well today ended up being much much better than I expected. The morning was hard because my co-teacher called in (she'd been in an auto accident and was still feeling pretty sore.) so some of our kids who normally do great were thrown off by having a sub, so there was more crying than usual in the morning. The new little girl showed up with her Daddy and she was ticked of at being left with us and as her Dad said she would do, she threw up on me. I knew it was coming so I luckily only got it on my forearm. She only did it the one time and she quieted down after a bit. When we went outside to play she was hesitant at first but was doing well by the end of play time and went inside to eat lunch with no problem and ate a ton! I was super worried about nap as her dad proclaimed she never sleeps, but sleep she did. I took a pic of her on my phone and texted it to her dad...he was amazed. So, all in all it was a good day. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than I thought it'd be.